La Vita e Bella

In the beginning of each month my office has this thing called the coordination meeting. No one can escape; every one has to attend it, even the janitor. Imagine having to sit and listen to all the burn out people talking for at least half of your working day, oohh… how tedious! I guess the only nice thing is the free lunch, hehe…

But the last coordination meeting was a bit fun, though. No, the meeting was still the same boring meeting, but we have an extra activity after it: exchanging Christmas gift to one another. We have to do it anonymously, and we should also give a note/poem/writing for the person who is going to receive our gift. I gave mine to one female friend, and I also wrote a poem for her. It’s funny how people thought that it was from somebody else because of the language that I used.

Anyway, I get a set of chopstick with a kind of small table cloth; I don’t know what it’s called. I think it must be a souvenir from Chiang Mai because it has all the elephants. But it’s the message from the person that I like the most. I don’t remember the exact words, but it was saying something about making the leap of faith. That I shouldn’t be worried too much about the small steps in climbing the stairs, instead, I should just make that big step in faith. Hmm…. Coincidence? I wonder.

Where to stay? What kind of activities will I be having? Can I handle living away from my family again? Oh, there are so many stairs to take that I’m uncertain about. Will it be steady enough to hold me?

Well, I guess it’s true that I should stop thinking about things and just make that leap of faith, believing that things will fall into place. So here I am, crossing my finger and hope for the best.

I have one long lost friend, Figur. I suddenly remember about this old friend of mine a few days ago when I was in a training. I wonder how Figur is doing now . Does Figur still live in Sigaret village, the place that I once desperately wanted to visit? Last time I remember, Figur has a little sister – I can still remember the place where Figur introduced me to her (it was at the backyard of my old house). She is quite friendly but shy, quite a lot like me when I was small. That was when I was around 4 or 5 years old, I guess. I wonder if they also grow older like me. I wonder if they will still recognize me, in case we meet again one day. I’m trying as hard as I could to recall my memories about Figur. I know that Figur is a bit older than me. I also remember that in the village where Figur came from, the people are afraid of the dew. That’s why at night, they have a sort of small umbrella that is specially designed to protect one’s head from the dew. It was made out of a coconut shell, and the handle was like a broomstick. Figur taught me how to make this kind of small umbrella, and I made my own together with Figur. I used to wear it when I was playing at night. Not because I was afraid of the dew, of course, but it was mainly because I want to respect Figur.

One night when I was playing with them, Mum asked about the thing that I was wearing; the umbrella. She didn’t know anything about that umbrella, so I had to explain. To make things less complicated, I decided to introduce Figur to my Mum. Besides, I was planning to visit Figur’s village, so I thought that it was the right time to also ask Mum’s permission. I told Mum that Figur is not a naughty kid so it’s okay to let me visit the village. And there will be Figur’ parents in there too. Mum was just smiling at me; I think she didn’t take me serious. That’s why I remember how I kept talking about Figur and the Sigaret Village.

At one point I also introduced Figur to my Siz. To my surprise, Siz said that she has visited Sigaret Village together with Mum. And yes, all people there wear the umbrella at night! Aah… I wonder how they got there… I think I was somehow a bit disappointed with Figur because Figur didn’t say anything about this. But I never had any hard feelings, we’re still good friends.

I started to attend kindergarten and have some other friends. I started to have dogs too, friends to play with. Figur still visited me every once in a while but it wasn’t as often. Figur visited me particularly when I was home alone, waiting for Mum to come home. To be honest, I never knew exactly whether Figur was a she or he. And Figur was like a faceless figure, that’s why it’s hard for me to remember Figur’s appearance clearly (except when Figur was with the umbrella, of course). Maybe when I was small, Figur’s face, sex, and appearance did not matter to me so much. All that mattered was Figur’s companion in my lonely days.

Last time my niece Liza introduced me to her friend Henny. I think Henny is coming from the same dimension like Figur, though Henny is staying at the farm and not coming from the Sigaret village. Henny and Figur are both the imaginary people who are friendly to children. To us, they exist, and they can even have conversation with us, it’s just that adult can’t understand or even hear it (except Ally McBeal, perhaps).

Would be nice if we can meet again one day. It’s not something impossible, I guess. All I need is to leave this adult world, I hope I still can.

Time, a River Runs through it…

From Stafford, 2005: 85-87

Time is like a river. It flows along like water, from the future to the present and into the past. But there is a bend in the river. We know where the water is coming, but we can’t see it or know very much about it. All we know that it is coming.

The present is now – the days we live today. This is God’s gift to us. It is meant to be enjoyed and lived to the fullest. The present will flow by us, of course, and become the past. That is the way of a river, and that is the way of time.

Some people cannot wait for the future to arrive. They crane their necks to see around the bend in the river. They want to know it so badly that they have no respect for the river itself. They thrash their way out into the present in order to see more around the bend.

To them, it seems that the present is only a vantage point to better see around the bend to the future. They miss so much of the joy of today all around them. They miss much of the present time because all they care about is the unknowable, the future. Because they strain to see around the bend in the river, the present nearly knocks them down as it swirls around their knees. It slips behind them and keeps flowing. It becomes the past without their even noticing. The past, for them, is forgotten. The memories fade, and they make the same mistakes all over again.

Never disrespect the river by crashing into its powerful flow. Sit quietly and respectfully on the banks of the river and watch. The future comes when it is ready. It will arrive in its own time and in its own way. Soon it will be in front of us. The present is all we can fully know and experience, so we must. We must love each other. We must smell the hibiscus flowers. We must hear the singing of the weaverbirds and the grunts of the lions. We must taste with joy the honey and the peanut sauce on the rice. We must laugh and cry and live.

Respect the river! We cannot see around the bend into the future, but that is all right. We know it is coming, and although we don’t know all about it, God does. We can trust him with the future. God will take care of it.

All we can see and feel is the present. All we can remember and honor is the past. It is enough, my children.

“Peace be With You!” that’s the phrase that we used to say to each other in church, back in the Netherlands. And yes indeed, every time I walk out of the church it felt like I’m going home carrying a basket full of peaceful feelings in my heart. Kristian and I would then bike home together, sometimes feeling so cold that our body started to shiver – but we would still have smile in our faces. We would pass the quite bosjes (small woods), sometime drop by there if we’re not that hungry yet, or take a longer route to enjoy the empty streets, pass the Albert statue and say hi to him… It was really nice.

Today is Sunday and I just got back from church as well. I hate to say this but I miss the peaceful feelings I used to have after church when I was in NL. So sad that now, every time I get back from church I always feel frustrated, upset, tired, and have all the other collection of negative feelings. It wasn’t from the service, but it was from the meeting for our youth camp. I see some people who are not serious and are not committed to work for Him – and it really breaks my heart. In the same meeting I also see some other people who are committed, but look extremely burn out that they become so emotional and have a strong tendency to blame each other.

I wonder if the peaceful feeling that I used to have after attending church in NL was because I was merely a church attender. If I were to be involved in church in NL as well, would I be feeling frustrated like this? Or is the feeling that I’m feeling right now is just a part of the series of culture shock that I have to deal with? Maybe after some time I would not feel disturbed anymore having to collaborate with one evangelist who acts like a real bureaucrat. And maybe after a while I won’t be annoyed working with people who are not committed to their work. If this is a matter of culture shock, I don’t know if I should let myself keep on being exposed to all of these matters at church (hope that one day I’ll somehow get myself used to it again L) or should I just stop being involved in order to feel peaceful again. I don’t know.

Oh… so tired of having to bear all these emotional baggage that I never carried when I was still in NL. I’m so tired of being angry most of the time for trivial things. So tired of wondering why people are acting the way they do. These feelings really drag me down; it makes me so unproductive.

Hush now… be still my heart, I always tell myself. But sometimes the external exposures are just too strong that all I can do is just spending my time, looking at the pictures in my laptop, of a place where I can feel so peaceful.

Wish that I can belong there again.

Spring always comes with its beauty.

Bare trees are starting to have their leaves again,

The sun goes out from its hiding place,

And the first buds are blooming…

Spring should be coming in NL now.

I want to go home… hu hu….

I remember when I was dealing with the visa application to NL. I found it so funny and strange to be called an alien. Yeah, the word alien always reminds me to something extraterrestrial; the invaders! That’s why I always thought like, hellooo… I have 10 fingers here and not 6, why you people called me an alien? But at one point I managed to accept that though I’m not a green person with big eyes and I also came to the Netherlands with KLM instead of a flying saucer, but yeah, this country considered me an alien.

I saw my ‘alien side’ when I was biking and a little girl overtake me. Gee, she was riding a bike which is bigger than my Cool Girl. Of course, I have to bike with a children’s bike because I’m not used to biking in Indonesia. And this little girl, maybe her parents have taught her biking since the day she was able to walk, hehe…

And of course, I can see how physically alien I was during my first walk to Centrum. Being surrounded by Dutch people, I feel so small – in a literal meaning. These people are so tall, I wonder how’s the weather up there, hehe…

But inside, I never felt like I was an alien. I connect very well with the life in there. I like the way they appreciate the nature. I like how everything is in order. I like their old castles and museums. And I love my life in there, especially with the fact that I didn’t know lots of people which gave me more freedom – I didn’t have to be involved in social activities. I was able to build my own rhythm in doing things, without much interference. If I get tired with my routines I can always bike to the parks, the beach or the ‘bosjes’. There, life is so peaceful. If you go out you can breathe fresh air, you can see the ducks swimming along the canals, and you can also hear the church bells singing. In sunny days when you look up to the sky you can see the tracks left by the jet plane, as if someone is scratching the sky with a white pencil. Ah, maybe I’m just an alien who fell in love with the country that once became my home for 16 months.

I am now staying in the place where I grew up. Of course all the documents show that I am not an alien anymore. But strangely, I feel so alienated. It’s been 27 days in here but I still find myself struggling hard to adjust. Adjusting to my old role as a daughter, sister, friend, owner of two naughty dogs…. Adjusting to the high temperature, slow internet access, people’s way of living … My health is not helping as well; I still have the flu that I get since I was in Jakarta, and also stomachache every time I ate spicy foods.

Each day I try hard to move on, but it’s just so hard to let go of my life in NL. Sometimes I wonder about my next dream. But then I realize that I was just awake from a dream and now I’m in the process of trying hard to get a grip of the reality. Asking myself the meaning of living far away from the person that I love and having to stay in Manado and working in here. It is a very complicated thing so I only end up doing things to survive.

Be still my heart… God never promise that life will be easy, that the sky will always be bright… but one thing for sure is that God will be there to help me. So help me God…

It was Dubravka who asked me this question:

"are you ready for coming home?"

At that time, during our farewell dinner, i thought that question was so stupid - coz of course i am ready to go home. Nothing would be so difficult about going home… just need to pack my stuffs and go back! I won’t be landing in a place that i never knew before, nor will i be with stranger or something. I will be back to my own family, to a city where i grew, to streets that i’m familiar with…

Then suddenly this afternoon after having a conversation with my mom over the phone, i realize that it’s not that simple. Going home also needs a preparation. I might coming back to the same old reality that i refuse to see all this time. I will soon leave my safe escaping place. And though i will be back to the same place where i used to be, but things might change as well… That’s why now i found my head filled with a list of ‘what-if’ questions. What if i can’t cope with the changes? What if people have different expectations on me now? What if life back home now is no longer as less-complicated as it used to be? What if…

Sadly, although i demand myself to find some answers, i ended up clueless… Only have this strong, strong feeling of does not belong, as i walk to the beach and saw the empty Seinpost dorm. There used to be my friends staying there, so i can always visit them everytime after i went to the beach. But they have gone… there were only some people that i dont know sitting in the kitchen, the place where i used to gather with my friends.

A change is hurting.

Never easy.

And i remember the curve that Mbak Siska drew on the white board, there in the pre-departure briefing. She said that we should expect the ups and downs; at the beginning of our stay in the Netherlands where we are still in the ‘honeymoon stage’, everything will look beautiful. Then as our study becomes more challenging etc, then we will experience the down. No worries, the curve will go up again after some time, even reaching the peak. Then expect the down again when we’re going home, coz we will experience another culture shock.

Well I dont know whether this was true or not, for all this time i think i managed to keep the curve stays flat - only a bit down when i was in the earlier phase of my research - but yeah, it was relatively stable. But what if it’s true… that in a certain point when im home it’ll fly down?

Ah, i wish i have the guts like that ship over there, that constantly visiting and leaving the harbour without seems to be having so many problems.

It was such a drama when i went to ISS this morning;

it was windy, rainy, and so cold…

but nothing can stop me i am in a mission to submit my research paper!!!

i have been keeping this headache for too long, it’s time to just submit and let go, come what may!!!

So i went biking in the rain although it was so hard,

the wind keeps on blowing my hood and the rain made my jeans wet

but i wear my smile

knowing that this is the last time i HAVE TO force myself to go to ISS

and after this, i’ll be free…..

I went to computer room 2.15 first to do the printing,

i can feel the tense atmosphere as most of us are still doing the final touch there

then i ran through the hallway to get the printed paper,

bumped into some friends and congratulate each other

When i reach Josee’s office, another drama waiting.

there was Dubravka there, she hugged me and said ‘congratulations, Chrysant…’

and Josee too, she said ’schatje, after this you won’t have to come to my office for academic matters’ huaa….. it made me happy but sad at the same time.

After those dramas i decided to have lunch with some new batches from Japan.

i just realize that i havent been interacting so much with them partly because of

the paper. now i can spend time without having the paper on the back of my

mind.

i’m free!!!!

Born Free…..

Born free, as free as the wind blows

As free as the grass grows

Born free to follow your heart

Live free and beauty surrounds you

The world still astounds you

Each time you look at a star

Stay free, where no walls divide you

You’re free as the roaring tide

So there’s no need to hide

Born free, and life is worth living

But only worth living ’cause you’re born free

Last night I had my second farewell party, this time it was from the new batch in WGD class. It was as nice as the farewell party from Gondelstraat people, but this time as I found myself dancing, singing and laughing with them, I felt the sadness starts to creep in. Especially when we dance with our anthem, the Vulundlela song (http://chrysant.multiply.com/music/item/25) I was thinking to myself where, how, and when can I possibly meet all these people and have such a grand time like this again. To see how Mofiz tried hard to follow the rhythm (which he was never successfully able to) or TD with her crazy moves, Dubravka with her elegant style… Lillian that always looks so cool, and wow, I just knew that Kara is such a good dancer especially if it’s with Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie.

We sang together the Bob Marley’s song, this time as "no Gender no cry" as we remember the moments that we’ve been through, especially all the difficult and challenging times. Some of the new batches eagerly listen to our conversation, and sometimes show the expression of “I-hope-it-won’t-be-that-tough-this-year.” It’s funny that they express how envy they are to us that we’ve almost finish the study, while us, we are envying how they seem to be so full of energy and ready for the ‘adventure’. Oh well… there’s a time for everything under the sun, isn’t it….

Last Sunday the new batch in Gondelstraat made a farewell party for us. It was lovely…. not only because they cooked us dinner and gave us free Heineken (hehe), but also because they were able to drag us out of our room,  stop writing, and socialize a bit. Manana and Tiina, for example, i havent seen them for such a long time! And i just found out in the party that they are going, soon, end of this week! Oh…

In the party they asked us as the old batch (oh i hate that term) to share about our future plans. They made me have to think really hard for that, for i dont have any clear plan in my head (hiks!)… I guess my other friends were like me as well, coz they spontaneously point to Carlos and Fany - the only people who have a well-prepared plan: get married!  This gave the impression that all of us are planning to get married, that’s why when Tiina speaks, she close with a bold statement: "no marriage!" Then Rina also mention the same thing; she has her boyfriend Cyril, maybe have lived together, but apparently marriage is simply not on their list.

I dont know, i never think about getting married either… im still 24 for crying out loud!!! But then another question popped in: what if you’re 30 like Marcia, would you be able to laugh about how difficult it is to find Mr. Right just like she did?

I suddenly remember having a conversation about marriage with a friend last year. She told me, yeah, right now maybe you dont feel the pressure to get married yet. But wait another three or four years, and you find that one by one your friends are getting married… then you’ll desperately wanting to get married too!

Hmm… i dont know whether her prediction will be right or wrong.

I really have no clue.

One thing for sure, i now hate Bridget Jones ideology that being single is such a tragedy. Spent days counting how many calories that you’ve consumed, singing ‘all by myself’ and crying about how unlucky you are in terms of love life, drinking alcohol and smoking all the time to ease the pain…. i found it so mean that they picture single people like that. Hey, i know single people who are great. Father Jaques, for example… eh wait, he’s a Father, he’s supposed to be single… priest have to be celibate remember? hihihi… Okey, Condy for example! or…. all my lecturers in WGD!!! They are great although they are unmarried…

Being single and unmarried is not a crime… Just because 9 out of 10 people do it, doesnt mean you have too… doesnt mean that you’re incomplete or something… i guess.

Ah ok, now i think my research paper will be easier to think about for the moment.