Late response, as usual….
Saturday, December 16th, 2006It was Dubravka who asked me this question:
"are you ready for coming home?"
At that time, during our farewell dinner, i thought that question was so stupid - coz of course i am ready to go home. Nothing would be so difficult about going home… just need to pack my stuffs and go back! I won’t be landing in a place that i never knew before, nor will i be with stranger or something. I will be back to my own family, to a city where i grew, to streets that i’m familiar with…
Then suddenly this afternoon after having a conversation with my mom over the phone, i realize that it’s not that simple. Going home also needs a preparation. I might coming back to the same old reality that i refuse to see all this time. I will soon leave my safe escaping place. And though i will be back to the same place where i used to be, but things might change as well… That’s why now i found my head filled with a list of ‘what-if’ questions. What if i can’t cope with the changes? What if people have different expectations on me now? What if life back home now is no longer as less-complicated as it used to be? What if…
Sadly, although i demand myself to find some answers, i ended up clueless… Only have this strong, strong feeling of does not belong, as i walk to the beach and saw the empty Seinpost dorm. There used to be my friends staying there, so i can always visit them everytime after i went to the beach. But they have gone… there were only some people that i dont know sitting in the kitchen, the place where i used to gather with my friends.
A change is hurting.
Never easy.
And i remember the curve that Mbak Siska drew on the white board, there in the pre-departure briefing. She said that we should expect the ups and downs; at the beginning of our stay in the Netherlands where we are still in the ‘honeymoon stage’, everything will look beautiful. Then as our study becomes more challenging etc, then we will experience the down. No worries, the curve will go up again after some time, even reaching the peak. Then expect the down again when we’re going home, coz we will experience another culture shock.
Well I dont know whether this was true or not, for all this time i think i managed to keep the curve stays flat - only a bit down when i was in the earlier phase of my research - but yeah, it was relatively stable. But what if it’s true… that in a certain point when im home it’ll fly down?
Ah, i wish i have the guts like that ship over there, that constantly visiting and leaving the harbour without seems to be having so many problems.
