still an alien
I remember when I was dealing with the visa application to NL. I found it so funny and strange to be called an alien. Yeah, the word alien always reminds me to something extraterrestrial; the invaders! That’s why I always thought like, hellooo… I have 10 fingers here and not 6, why you people called me an alien? But at one point I managed to accept that though I’m not a green person with big eyes and I also came to the Netherlands with KLM instead of a flying saucer, but yeah, this country considered me an alien.
I saw my ‘alien side’ when I was biking and a little girl overtake me. Gee, she was riding a bike which is bigger than my Cool Girl. Of course, I have to bike with a children’s bike because I’m not used to biking in Indonesia. And this little girl, maybe her parents have taught her biking since the day she was able to walk, hehe…
And of course, I can see how physically alien I was during my first walk to Centrum. Being surrounded by Dutch people, I feel so small – in a literal meaning. These people are so tall, I wonder how’s the weather up there, hehe…
But inside, I never felt like I was an alien. I connect very well with the life in there. I like the way they appreciate the nature. I like how everything is in order. I like their old castles and museums. And I love my life in there, especially with the fact that I didn’t know lots of people which gave me more freedom – I didn’t have to be involved in social activities. I was able to build my own rhythm in doing things, without much interference. If I get tired with my routines I can always bike to the parks, the beach or the ‘bosjes’. There, life is so peaceful. If you go out you can breathe fresh air, you can see the ducks swimming along the canals, and you can also hear the church bells singing. In sunny days when you look up to the sky you can see the tracks left by the jet plane, as if someone is scratching the sky with a white pencil. Ah, maybe I’m just an alien who fell in love with the country that once became my home for 16 months.
I am now staying in the place where I grew up. Of course all the documents show that I am not an alien anymore. But strangely, I feel so alienated. It’s been 27 days in here but I still find myself struggling hard to adjust. Adjusting to my old role as a daughter, sister, friend, owner of two naughty dogs…. Adjusting to the high temperature, slow internet access, people’s way of living … My health is not helping as well; I still have the flu that I get since I was in Jakarta, and also stomachache every time I ate spicy foods.
Each day I try hard to move on, but it’s just so hard to let go of my life in NL. Sometimes I wonder about my next dream. But then I realize that I was just awake from a dream and now I’m in the process of trying hard to get a grip of the reality. Asking myself the meaning of living far away from the person that I love and having to stay in Manado and working in here. It is a very complicated thing so I only end up doing things to survive.
Be still my heart… God never promise that life will be easy, that the sky will always be bright… but one thing for sure is that God will be there to help me. So help me God…
January 29th, 2007 at 9:07 am
Yes, it is surprising how much of a stranger you feel even though you come back to where you came from. The feeling of being a stranger among you friends and family, yet feeling like being a friend among strangers in a far away land. You’re right, we have to find the meaning to all of this. One day, the meaning will come to us. One day, we will no longer see our partial pictures but our complete selves. Yet, there’s still a long way to go. So let’s keep the fire burning to light our way and keep ourselvles warm along the way. Keep our faith, hope, and most of all, love.