La Vita e Bella

I miss Leonardo, the TV that was given to me last year by Kang Nur. It has been there in the corner of my room, accompanying me the whole year, including the World Cup season. So sad that few weeks ago suddenly it didn’t want to display anything, all went black and no sound, hiks hiks…

I remember watching Netherlands vs Portugal with Yoshi, Marcia and Kristian – and laugh about van Basten’s shirt that seemed to be too small for him hihihi…

I also miss the time when I would come home and watch Ally, Grey’s Anatomy, Smallville, then all the sitcoms that follows: Friends, Will and Grace, Dharma and Greg… huhu….

And now, I found myself missing those annoying Dutch commercials.

Oh well, you never know what you have ‘till it’s gone.

Last weekend I had a drink with some of the new batch after WGD welcome party. We got into a conversation about my research, and Oil asked me a question: how did you do it? Ummm…. I have to think really hard for answering that question, especially because the process of doing my research has been rolling so fast that I didn’t realize that I’m here already; had presented my RP and now working on the second round of writing. How did I do that? I don’t have any idea. All I do is just work and work each day, trying to make it grow. I remember the most difficult time for me was around June, where I have to decide the kind of seed that I want to grow, plus the fear that maybe I don’t have the right soil for it to grow, worry about the kind of tools should I use to help me cultivate it, and oh… what if the sun don’t shine, what if there’ll be too much rain, and so on.

Though sometimes can be so frustrating, it turns out to be a nice experience (wakaka!!!) since I came across a lot of new things. For example, I found some of amazingly long Dutch word such as Behandelingsovereenkomst (I just find it funny how one word can contain 25 letters, hihi….) Also, I met many people that I have never known before; those who help me by giving the materials I need to grow it.

Now I think the root is much stronger, compared in July when I had my RPD seminar. It has branches and leaves already (although some need to be further identified, whether they are leaves or branches hihihi…). Some also need to be trimmed (oh I don’t like that).

How did I do that? I still don’t know. I can only say that it’s impossible for me to make it this far if not because of His mercy. He provides me with all things that I need. He helps me get through each day. Sometimes I can make it productively, but there are also times like tonight where I spent most of my time looking at the ceiling, waiting for the inspiration to come hehe…

ps. Im sorry that i have to use that Dutch word as the title, i just have a feeling that putting ‘Research’ as my title would sound so borring, hehe…

With a big grin she showed me her new keychain hanging in her black ‘Cool Cat’ jacket. Though small, I can see that the keychain is good in describing her.

First, it’s in her favorite colour (green) and has that short statement in it: ‘born to shop’.

Yeah, first thing that I would remember from girl is her shopping spree. Gosh… it’s super!

I’ll never forget how she made all of us waiting for her in that huge book fair in Brussels (it was in October last year so I just knw her for about a month). Finished shopping for books and other stationeries, I went straightly to the entrance gate since we’ve agreed to meet there at 4.

Agnes was already there. Cates and Rommel too, also Jason. Oh I hope I’m not late. But she’s not there yet. Hmmm…. It’s ok, we decided to take a look at each other’s treasure. I like Agnes’ Cleopatra, but it was just impossible to go back in as the lines were really long. Maybe she’s trapped in one of those lines for paying, I wonder. So I checked there.

Bayu was the only person I could identify from the crowd. That means…. Yeah… that means she’s still in there, shopping!!!! Jason took the initiative to go back inside – to stop her. Yeah, it was a good decision.

From then on I know that this girl was born to shop! Shop… shop… shop… I bet that was all in her head. She forgot the time, plus didn’t think about how to carry all the stuff that she bought. All of us were carrying bags, but she has to put her things in a box!! Ok, it doesn’t matter – we have Bayu to help her carrying the box. But alas, it only last up to the train’ stairs. Everything fell down from the box since it was not strong enough to carry all the stuffs that she bought. It made a ‘boom’ sound, everyone was looking at us, and even Policeman with a dog came. Hahaha…. That was a real funny moment. In the end she made us carrying an extra bag for her stuffs. Oh my…

But yeah, that’s her. A part of her personality, I may say, that we all manage to accept. Visit her room in Seinpost sometimes and you’ll find the evidences. Too bad I didn’t have lots of chance to do so since we are all so busy. But she’s still one of my favorite friends. Looking back, I think she has helped me enjoy my stay in here especially during the first weeks. We would go to open market together without stamping the strippenkart, or go biking to the beach with Budi and Kristian, and spent the night chatting in YM about our love life.

Yeah, she has become my big sister…. She’s Dina.

Summer is departing; the cold grey clouds now are covering the warm blue sky.

I had to pack my skirt, short sleeve shirts and my orange summer shoes, and take out those thick jackets from the closet, plus my scarf…

Got to get used to carry the lights for my bike again, since now the sun likes to go bed early, no longer stays there until 10 o clock at night as it was in June.

Today i decided to say goodbye to summer. And today i also realize that soon i may have to say goodbye to my ISS friends as well…

Sitting in our classroom 3.01, watching some of my friends presenting their research paper draft made me realize that the end is near. After these series of presentations, we will be dealing with the research on our own again, and we’ll be together only for farewell parties… some may not even stay that long. 

At lunch, some of us were remembering the times we had as a class - all the funny moments and the struggle to wake up for attending those 9 o’clock classes… Talking about how serious the new batch are - which actually reminded us to ourselves when we just got here, and we laugh about it. We also discuss about places where we want to stay after the graduation, jobs that we hope to have… No more discussion about group assignments - things are just different.

Well, life keeps on turning.

All i can do now is welcoming the autumn which I believe, has it’s own beauty.

Today Gondelstraat is having the welcome party for the new batch. I realized that it wasn’t fun at all, compared to what we had last year (see my post on September 12, 2005 - titled ‘Three Nights in a Row: Party’).

This year, instead of playing games, dancing, and get to know each other, the new batch are ‘welcomed’ by rules and regulations about how to keep the kitchen clean etc etc. Feel so sorry for those new people. My gosh - i agree with Kristian that they are adults… supposedly, they know what to do without the old batch (fiance’s) telling them what to do. I wonder if it is a human nature that we - unconciously - are feeling threatened when there are new people coming into our territory. And that’s why to make sure our territory is kept safe, then we make rules, we make regulations.

Oh well… 

I dont know. Ah i should stop these kinds of thoughts. I feel like lately, i easily feel unsatisfied about something. It’s like having an unidentified anger into an unidentified object. It’s like losing out the peace within you. The reason why i chose to join the yoga class yesterday at the ISS. It was provided by one organization for free, and there they didnt just teach us the movement but also some philosophy, which is very nice. It made me feel calm. Unfortunately it’s only at that short moment… Now im struggling again to find peace within me. Trying hard to have a conversation with my soul, trying hard to hear its voice which i have been neglecting because i’m so busy with the things that i have to do.

Maybe i should give it a try now. I’m going to pray.

Yeah, at least according to WHO’s category of young people, I’m still considered young!!! Hehehe…

But sadly I have to say that I’m starting to develop a trait that I characterized as typical adult: so busy with life and whoa… suddenly it’s my birthday again.

It’s just so different compared to my childhood.

I remember back then when I was small starting from late August I used to count how many days to go for my birthday, nervously guessing what presents will I get, wondering will they remember, what food will we share at the family dinner, etc. Oh I miss those kinds of feeling. It was lovely to have the feeling every once in a year.

And now I’m in my 24^th years already – so busy with my study that all I remember for September is September 25^th, the due date for my research paper draft. Hiks!

Good thing I have people around me that made my almost-forgotten-birthday becomes an unforgettable one. Of course, ‘around me’ here refers to both who are with me here virtually and those who are away but bothered to spend their time to write e-mails, FS testimonials, send e-cards, SMS, or call… oh my… I found this as one of the things that made my birthday so meaningful: to be remembered.

So as I was sitting in NS train that took me to

Arnhem

, I said a prayer thanking Him for that – for my family and friends.

Also for the person sits next to me who has made my days –especially that day- so wonderful.

For the fascinated journey I have here in the past year – dreams that come true.

For things that may come my way – because I know it’s all planned well in His hands.

For my life.

Yeah….

La vita e bella.

Today, 1 September 2006.

With some friends I went to Schiphol to pick up the 17 new batch from Indonesia.

It’s like revisiting the past…. exactly a year ago where I landed at Schiphol early in the morning with this much of luggages:

I remember my mom was concerned about my luggages, who’s going to help you to bring this much of thing when you arrived there? and i just said… oh dont worry mom, there’ll be people who will help me. And yes, i was right - i still remember that heavy blue bag, it was mas Yanto and mas TB the old batch who carry it for me.

This year, i kind of understand the way it feels… not as the one who’s expecting help like i did last year, but as someone who can offer a little help. To bother waking up in the morning at 4:30, bike like crazy to Central Station to catch the train to Schiphol, wait there in the meeting point, teach them to buy their first train ticket, use strippenkart, answering soooo many questions… Well, that was exactly the things that the old-batch did to us. Now i know how it feels… It’s tiring but fulfilling because yeah.. you feel like you’re doing good things to other people. It’s just simply nice.

I find it so beautiful how people can pass on good things to do to other people like this. It’s so different with what we used to have in Indonesia: when you go to an undergraduate study (or even in junior high and high school), normally in the begining of the study the old batch - or seniors, we call them- will ‘welcome’ us with passing on what they also get from their seniors. But no, dont expect that they’ll be nice to you - asking you what you need and helping you to adapt, no… instead of goodness what you get is hatred as the heritage from the seniors. And the year after, it’s normal for you to pass on this ‘heritage’ to another coming juniors. What a pity.

I’m so glad that it’s not that kind of negative thing that we’re passing on to them. What we share is the same kindness that we’ve got from the old batch last year. A little thing to do to help them enjoy the new journey that has begun, with a smile and not with worry, so with a big smile they can say: "oh, ini to ISS…." and proudly made a picture at the gate like we did last year hahaha….

Well, i’m so grateful that i have time to stop and look back like this. To see how much i’ve been blessed since the very first day i arrived here. And I hope this kind of kindness will continue being passed on… We can never pay back to the old batch for things they did to us - but we can always pay it forward.

I suddenly remember my undergrad lecturer in Change Management subject one day told us that the only constant thing in this life is change. No one can fight it. That’s why it might be wise just to let it flow.. Give ourself a chance to dance with it, and cherish each song that’s been playing for us.

Constant Change - Jose Mari Chan

We’re on the road
We move from place to place
And oftentimes when I’m about to call it home
We’d have to move along
Life is a constant change…

Have we outgrown our Peter Pans and wings?
We’ve simply grown too old for tales of knights and kings
‘Cause life’s a constant change
And nothing stays the same, oh no

"we’re closing…"

The voice of that librarian struck me. I look to the right corner of my computer screen. It was already 17:20. I look behind; the seat that used to be occupied by that man was already empty. Alsothe one in front of me - Imani’s table. Well it’s not his table; it’s the library’s table. But four of us have build sense of ownership to it, as we found ourselves go into the same spot each day. That man, me, Imani a friend from

Ethiopia

, and Yolly in that corner - the only person that is still here with me.

“Give it up, Chrysant… enough for today. So I’ll see you tomorrow?”

And we both laughed.

It’s just funny how days seem to be repeated.

Wake up in the morning,

bargaining with the alarm,

drag myself to the bathroom,

drink coffee to help me open these eyes,

skip breakfast and just biking to ISS,

go down to the library,

sit in the same spot,

meet the same people,

struggle to get some more words typed in my Analytical framework,

lunch time; soup at the canteen,

go back again to the library,

coffee around 3,

and suddenly you hear the same short sentence again:

“we’re closing…”

I bet the librarian does not know, that sometimes his simple words sounds so nice to me. Those words give me the reason to stop working and just pack my computer and books, go home.

I bet the librarian never knew how his words sometimes made me feel like “oh no not now I haven’t done much”

Today, I met my supervisor Loes. I wonder how she can be so passionate about my own research paper; wish I could trade her passion with my fear. She told me not to worry – for each step in my research paper, even a small one, is meaningful for my whole research journey. That step could be as small as one paragraph, or one person you interviewed that links you to another person, or an article that you managed to read. Those are all worthwhile, and for that I should be grateful.

Yeah, I should end my day with grateful thoughts, than to have it end with fears and worry that won’t bring me anywhere.

And have a rest, so that I’ll be ready for the step(s) that I shall take tomorrow. Even with the same people, same place, and the same feeling of boredom.

It’ll be worthwhile.

The sun was out for a couple of hours in the afternoon, giving me a chance to go out with my cousin to Omniversum. Then as i got back here in my room, it became all dark, cloudy and windy again.

I’m not complaining though… since i went through the melting temperature in those hot summer days, i learn to accept the weather as it is.

To give a little more appreciation for the cold weather.

To be happy, not depending on the circumstances.

To see the weather not more than a thing to start a conversation:

"oh the weather is so nice today…did you go out?"

or,

"it’s cold, eh… these days? i stayed in my room all day!"

So i decided to stop gazing at that big cloud that was hanging outside my window, and turn on my computer - reading mails in my ISS account.

Now as i have ended all my classes, checking the ISS account is no longer a tiring - time consuming activity. No more those heavy- difficult to understand mails from TD. No more mails for group work or tutorial arrangements. Now, it’s mainly mails from friends about travel plans to make use of NS zommer tarief, mails that says "count me in" for Scholas trip to Paris, notification about bulletin of journals… Nice.

But today i found one mail that made me feel somewhat mellow now. No, its not that kind of heavy- substantial mail. It’s just a mail from Cynthia, the student administrator department. She alarmed us that we should start thinking about booking flights to go home soon - for it may be difficult to get a fligt in a peak December season.

And it made me realize, that one day - a day that is coming nearer- i’ll eventually pack my things, put down those three Bear Family pictures from the wall, empty my fridge, leave my plants, and say goodbye to a place that has become a home for me.

Already, I can feel that mix of feelings… on one hand i may be happy to meet my family and share my stories… but on the other hand i’d probably also feel sad for leaving my life in here.

I’ll be coming home… but strangely i’ll be leaving my other home at the same time.

Ah, the day hasnt come yet.

Just keep swimming.